The radio host across the table nods his head and I take a deep breath. The microphone turns on and I begin my story: “I have always lived ashamed of having a mental disorder.”
I am diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I get anxious easily and perform hundreds of habits to provide myself with a deceptive sense of relief. Before my aired episode on KQED Perspectives, I was terrified of what others would think of me, so to escape humiliation, I simply kept quiet. Yet, I could no longer live my life avoiding the opportunities I so fervently desired to experience. I craved to be myself, to do the things I wanted to do—regardless of my mental disorder. Therefore, I gathered up the courage to speak out about my OCD on National Public Radio.
My journey began with the Alameda County Science and Engineering Fair, in which I researched about the best treatment for OCD. I learned Cognitive Behavioral Treatment is 80% effective because it retrains the brain's thinking patterns. With this discovery, I sought CBT for myself. My CBT therapist helped dig beneath the surface of my insecurities. She asked me to open up, so I told her about a specific incident at the library. Once, making my way to the checkout desk, I tapped my library books seventeen times and verbally counted each step up to the desk. The librarian acknowledged my presence with a slight nod, but I was focused on stacking the books symmetrically. Embarrassment took over and my cheeks burned in shame as the strangers in line glared. The librarian remained motionless, unsure of how to deal with my strange routines. People behind me whispered to each other; some even pointed. Two minutes passed before my books were organized perfectly. I quickly checked out my books and exited the library with my head tucked deep into my chest. Moments like these made me ashamed of who I was.
I always felt the need to be perfect. Thus, I was in denial that I had faults. I saw people living “normal” lives and would envy them, sometimes going as far as to loathe them. In therapy, I learned that I must speak to the people around me to get the support I needed. I started within my family and built a core support system. I started a 504 plan with my school counselor and now have testing accommodations. I wrote blog posts about my CBT sessions. Gradually, I was able to build a sense of courage and separated my self-worth from my disorder. But I wanted to push myself more, so I submitted my story to KQED Perspectives.
With this radio piece, I shared my struggles with OCD after keeping silent for so long. I realized it was not what others thought of me that held me down, but rather my own shame. I always knew I had the will to accept my disorder, but it took courage and trust to finally make peace with it. I learned that I am who I am and I needed to fully embrace it. Without my disorder, I would not nearly have the same perseverance, optimism, or strength that I have today, as these qualities allow me to remain positive during my daily routines and habits. Without these strong characteristics, I would stand humiliated in the library forever. After the episode aired, I received support from family, friends, teachers, and people all over California who shared similar stories. But more importantly, I was able to bring positive change in people’s lives by inspiring people to speak out about their own mental disorders as well.
My life is completely different from those of others due to my OCD, but I have no other way of living. Yet, I would not trade my life for the world.
I sign off: “With a perspective, I’m Angela Kim.”
College Essays
1st Essay (Common Application & 1st UC Application Prompts)
2nd Essay (2nd UC Application Prompt)
I am very privileged to have an older sister since Regina is an invaluable adviser. But one of the biggest detriments is also having an older sister. Single children may consider me "lucky", but being overshadowed by Regina was not exactly a lucky experience. In high school, Regina received a 2200 SAT score, published two novels, and got a scholarship to UC Berkeley. My parents asked why I was not as talented. I was told to be like her and follow in her footsteps. However, with three years between us, I barely had my life figured out. Ironically, sibling rivalry helped me create a sense of identity. I diverted from the achievements of my sister and became the complete opposite of Regina. She was an introverted listener; I became an extroverted leader.
Two extracurricular activities that significantly helped me become a leader are the ACLC Governing Board and Asante-Africa Foundation. The Governing Board preserves a legacy of learning and ACLC's mission statement. In 2012, I was elected Governing Board's student representative and became the face of student rights. I felt pressure to serve my school and its students in the best way possible. I needed to exert myself as a positive role model and a reliable representative. I encouraged the student community to stand up for its rights and submitted proposals that benefited students. I was proud of myself. I was finally stepping away from my sister's shadow.
I took my leadership characteristics and applied them outside of school. I interned as the Youth-in-Action Coordinator for Asante, a non-profit organization that fundraises for education in Eastern Africa and I was in charge of the youth subunit and publicized Asante to the younger community. I attended fundraising meetings with people twice my age and interestingly enough, my input mattered. I performed equal to the older employees and learned to become a leader within a workplace. Through Asante, I learned how much I love helping others and creating a better world. Whether for the students at my school or students across the globe, I realized a new passion.
Without the existence of sibling rivalry, I would not have been able to create a resolute sense of identity and find an aspiration in life. It is not that I took on these extracurriculars to outdo my sister, but our rivalry helped me step out of my comfort zone to become an individual. I knew great things awaited me, but it took time for me to understand that they did not exist on the same path as my sister's. Now, our rivalry is a friendly competition and we celebrate our differences instead of comparing them. Having an older sister is a big privilege and I do not feel an inclination to be in my sister's shadow anymore.